


End of a Broken Heart

by rosevest



Category: Cobra Starship, Midtown, The Academy Is...
Genre: Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 11:23:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13680684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosevest/pseuds/rosevest
Summary: Gabe had a good life. A wife, a baby, a big house with a white picket fence. But, still, that didn't stop him from thinking about what once was.





	End of a Broken Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This was me sitting at my laptop and writing until this came out. I don't know where I was going with it originally, but I'm pretty happy with how it turns out. I've been really into writing angst lately, and should hopefully have some new content up again soon!

The forest green door was closed, but it wasn’t locked. Gabe always left the door unlocked before he fell asleep. It wasn’t that he lacked empathy or care for his family, by any means. It wasn’t because he thought he’d flee from his perfect, white picket fence lifestyle in the middle of the night. Nor was it a midlife crisis. Gabe just found comfort in leaving his door unlocked, knowing that anyone from his past could wander in. He wasn’t the kind of person who wanted to repeat history, in some Gatsby-esque extravagance, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t welcome ghosts of the past through his front door.

Each night, he’d stay awake after his wife and baby fell asleep, pretending to watch whatever game was on TV, but he really didn’t care about the TV at all. He’d take deep breaths, pretending that he wasn’t waiting for the exact same person to barge through the door every single night. Gabe wasn’t an unhappy person, and he loved his wife by every means. But every day, since their last conversation, Gabe felt like some part of his life was missing. As if a key piece of the intricate mosaic that was Gabe Saporta was out of place, and suddenly, the picture didn’t seem as clear as Gabe had always thought it would.

As much as Gabe loved Erin, she wasn’t by any means who he expected that he’d marry. And the boy he’d expected to marry was the exact presence that he’d waited day after day to barge through the front door. He waited time and time again, solely because he thought that somehow, the raw attraction between the two of them was so overwhelming that they wouldn’t be able to be apart for another day. He thought that maybe, just maybe, some twist of fate would bring them back together, and finally, his life would fall back into the places he’d expected it to be ten years ago; the life he led when he was young and in love with every ounce of his being, and still lived his life as if he’d die the next day.

And each night, he’d imagine the same boy bursting through the doors, and instead of returning to their former state as passionate lovers, instead, Gabe imagined them carrying on a soft conversation. They’d speak about everything they’d missed in one another’s lives, and forget to fall asleep, the same way that they used to. Gabe wouldn’t be worried about where his life was headed anymore, instead, he’d be in a state of euphoria as the soft presence rested his head on Gabe’s shoulder, taking deep breaths in and out, finally in sync once again. Until then, all that he had were sweet memories, that he would subtly fall back to while he attempted to lull himself to sleep.

_“Bilvy, do you think we'll last?” Gabe asked softly, staring at the ceiling with a thin mattress beneath them. With William’s head pressed softly against Gabe’s shoulder, somehow, it felt like home. Somehow, the both of them had managed to entangle their long limbs together in the tiny tour bus bunk._

_“You're being stupid, Gabe. Just go to sleep,” William laughed, shutting his eyes and equalizing his breathing with Gabe's. Even if their sweat was the only thing pasting them together, Gabe could've sworn, in that moment, they were in love._

Those moments were no longer, and Gabe knew that. He never thought they'd implode, he always assumed that he'd spend the rest of his life exactly like that: entangled in a tiny tour bunk with the man that he loved. Time was supposed to heal wounds, but for some reason, every single night, Gabe was sliced back open by the realization that he wouldn't get to spend his life with the person that he loved most. But he'd always cherish the tiny moments that they used to have. Every so often, Gabe would think that he felt a touch lingering on his shoulder, and his heart would momentarily flutter. But then, he’d have to re-immerse himself in reality, that wasn’t the way things were anymore. He didn’t want to face that but he knew that he’d have to, eventually, but still, time always seemed to stand still while he waited for the oak door to open.

It seemed like so many summers ago now, where the world was hot and sweaty, and the only thing that mattered to Gabe was the notion of what he believed to be love. He always thought that one day, their whirlwind romance would end in something stable, softer and sweeter. The world wasn’t was hot and passionate as it used to be with William, but it wasn’t icy, by any means. Gabe liked to think that it was lukewarm, it wasn’t full of passion anymore, but it was comfortable and pleasing. Still, he longed for the summer nights that the two of them used to share, for reasons beyond the physical intimacy. He wanted to light the world on fire once more.

_“What if this is just a summer fling?” William asked softly, long locks cascading onto Gabe’s bare chest. Gabe opened his eyes, thinking that he was just imagining it. The world felt heavier somehow, and William’s head wasn’t the only weight on Gabe’s chest._

_“What if it’s not?” Gabe retorted, wanting to shut his eyes and fall back asleep. He didn’t understand why he felt so empty; did William just think of them as a summer fling and nothing more? Gabe took a deep breath in, pretending that the world had dissolved around them, and the only thing that mattered was him and William._

_And Gabe could’ve sworn he heard William whisper, “I don’t want it to be,” but when he looked back down, William was already fast asleep. Maybe it had all been a figment of his imagination._

Gabe couldn’t help but think that, what if, all along, William had just been a figment of his imagination? After all, he couldn’t have imagined a more ideal person to spend time with, to love, to run away with. Gabe and William were supposed to last, they were supposed to be the ones that went the distance, and there was no meaningful explanation as to why they shattered into a thousand pieces, just like the fragments of the broken CDs Gabe had to sweep off of the floor of his bus after one of their monumental fights. It seemed to Gabe, as if the fact that he was starting to age without William by his side, was a proof of his twisted hypothesis.

But it was impossible to imagine that William had never really been there, because Gabe had never felt more like himself than when William was beside him. Gabe had melted and moulded into what he thought was the most ideal version of himself, and he’d always have William to thank for that. He’d always thought that William became more authentic around him as well, but he could never be certain. Maybe William had just crafted a perfect personality that only came out when he was around Gabe, and the authentic version was what everyone else saw. Gabe had no way of knowing, they hadn’t spoken in so painfully long that Gabe feared saying as much as hello.

Gabe laid back into the couch, staring at the door and imagining what it might be like if William walked through it. The way his face would have wrinkled and aged, all of the laugh lines that began to form years ago, when the two of them couldn’t seem to stop smiling. Gabe would always remember the way that a room felt when William walked in, the soft, light feeling in his chest, and the dimming of every noise and distraction around him. Gabe would’ve killed to feel that one more time.

_“Missed me?” William asked, grazing his bottom lip with his teeth as he stood in the frame of Gabe’s dressing room door. The lights hadn’t gone brighter, like Gabe always saw in the movies. Instead, his chest felt like it had flown up into his throat, and suddenly, the strange mechanical noises that had filled his ears were entirely tuned out. Gabe took a moment, and let his eyes fixate on William’s long fingers working against the top button on his shirt._

_“Is that even a question?” Gabe laughed breezily, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in. “It’s been what, two days? How the hell are we gonna manage when this tour is over?”_

_“Shh,” William said, pressing his index finger to Gabe’s lips. “Don’t worry about that right now,” he added, placing a firm grip on Gabe’s thigh._

_“Point taken,” Gabe replied in a low, sultry voice, dropping the subject entirely. He pushed William’s hand out of the way, and pressed his lips to William’s in a deep, passionate kiss. They’d worry about it later. Gabe was pretty sure that they’d never have to worry about it later, if tour ended before they did, he was entirely ready to drop everything and move to Chicago. After all, they were in love, Gabe knew that they were in love, and people did crazy things when they were in love._

If Gabe could go back and replay that day, he would’ve forgotten about the passion, the heat, the feeling William always left in the pit of his stomach. He would’ve traded all of the raw sexuality in their lives for a single conversation, one that could’ve changed the course of their future. Now, instead, Gabe was stuck dealing with the reality that he and William would never have another moment like that again.

If only Gabe had known, that William couldn’t abandon his family for Gabe. Maybe, just maybe, if they’d had that conversation, Gabe would’ve known, and he would’ve stopped himself there, before letting himself fall deeper and deeper in love. Gabe understood it now, he probably wouldn’t either. But in the final days of their steamy affair, Gabe’s heart crumbled and cracked, while he could barely see fault lines in William’s.

It felt like a betrayal, as if he’d never been in love at all, and Gabe was only there to fulfill some sick fantasy. As the summer days turned from hot and passionate to cold and empty, Gabe’s heart turned into ice once more. He didn’t know how the world could possibly keep spinning, when he’d been handed what was possibly the best thing to ever happen to him, only to have it ripped away soon after. The reality was, he and William were too explosive, too passionate and emotive to be in love. The reality was, William had a family, no matter how much Gabe wished otherwise. And now, Gabe did too, and even if William offered him his heart once more, he wouldn’t abandon the life that he had. Still, that still didn’t stop him from thinking about how much he wished he could still be that passionate, loving twenty-eight-year-old who didn’t think about anything except himself and the boy that he loved.

 _“I can’t, Gabe. You know that I love you, but, I have a daughter. I can’t just abandon my family like that!” William exclaimed, and Gabe could make out tiny streaks of tears staining his cheeks._  

_“This is fucking great! You decide to only tell me that you love me when you’re about to leave me?” Gabe shouted, throwing a nearby lamp to the ground. “Fuck, Bill! You can’t fucking do this to me! You can’t fucking tell me that Christine loves you more than I do! That’s a fat fucking lie!”_

_“Stop yelling at me!” William cried, picking his duffel bag up off of the floor of the hotel room they were supposed to be sharing for the final night, before they returned to their respective cities. But even though Gabe was willing to go to Chicago, Bill didn’t want him there. It wasn’t fair! Love wasn’t supposed to make him feel like his heart had been torn to shreds. “Fuck you, Gabe! You’re never gonna get it, you stupid, selfish, asshole! You’re not the only person in this world, and you need to fucking realize it! Life can’t always go Gabe’s way!”_

_“I know that!”_

_“You don’t,” William replied, voice low and soft, evening out despite the tears streaming down his face. “Have a nice life, Gabe,” he added, before slamming the door shut, leaving a loud bang lingering in Gabe’s mind for hours after the event._

And as the bedroom door closed softly, the sound played over in Gabe’s head again. It always did. He heard footsteps towards him, and turned his head around to see his wife, standing in a thin robe, with tired eyes.

“Are you coming to bed?” she yawned, rubbing at her right eye. Her expression was almost sad, but Gabe had grown used to it since he’d started these nightly lookouts.

“In a minute,” Gabe replied, stretching out of the couch, but turning his focus back onto that damned door, the one that never seemed to let in the people he wanted in his life, and constrained his perfect, all-American family.

He heard footsteps again, and the bedroom door shut once more. But his mind amplified it again as if William had slammed the door on him one more time. Gabe knew that he used to be selfish, but he’d changed. He swore to God that he’d changed, if he hadn’t, then why had he never reached out and called? Sure, there were times that Gabe would listen to the sadder songs, or the songs that he knew were about him, and replay every moment, every breath, but that didn’t make him a bad person. He still loved his wife, he still loved his child. He just didn’t think that he’d ever truly stop loving that boy. How could he?

And in some moments, Gabe could’ve sworn that William had walked through the doors one more time. He wouldn’t cry, he wouldn’t shake, he wouldn’t smile. He’d sit back down on the couch with Gabe, take his hands in his, and tell him that he wished things could be different. Sometimes, they’d kiss, one last time, for good measure, and others, Gabe would simply direct him back out the door. Of course, it was never really William, no matter how much Gabe tried to conjure up his presence. It was in those moments of realization, that Gabe would have given anything for one more soft, sweet moment with the boy that he once loved.

_“I’ve never seen so many stars,” William said, taking a long drag out of a cigarette, and subsequently blowing smoke upwards. He was right, Gabe had never seen so many stars either. There was something promising about the night sky, in some field off of a highway in Alabama, as the sky slowly painted itself from black to pink._

_“Smoking kills,” Gabe replied, stealing the cigarette out of his hand and taking a puff. He laughed a little in the action, he and William had always teased and taunted each other. They were as close as two people could be, and Gabe constantly searched for moments alone with William in their busy lives._

_“Fuck off! That’s mine,” William laughed, attempting to steal it out of Gabe’s hand, but Gabe was too quick. He somehow managed to pin William down to the dew-covered grass, staring down at the soft, sweet face of his best friend. And when William looked up at him, there was something different in his face. One eyebrow was crooked, and there was a strange sparkle in his auburn eyes._

_Gabe stuck his tongue out momentarily, drawing it back in. As he was about to get back to his feet, William’s face rushed closer to his own, and it wasn’t until their lips were touching that Gabe knew what was going on. There was a warm, tingly feeling in his chest, and he felt light-headed. He wasn’t quite sure if he was falling in love, or having a heart attack, or both. He’d never thought of William like that before, but, god, when William’s tongue pushed through Gabe’s lips, he didn’t have to think. He knew._

Gabe thought over their first moment together one last time, as he came to the same realization that he always did. It was over. There was no chance that the door was opening, and so, finally, Gabe turned off the white glow of the television, and got up off of the couch to lock the front door. No one would walk through that door tonight. Maybe he’d try again tomorrow, or maybe he’d give up temporarily. It was really a gamble.

He crawled back into bed with his loving wife, who made a quiet, sleepy sound as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He did love Erin, there was absolutely no question about it. Gabe had a perfect, white picket fence lifestyle, that any person would be jealous of. He loved his son, he loved his family, he loved his home. Gabe truly did love his life, even if there was a part of him that always wondered if things could have ended in a different fashion. The ending that he’d gotten was pretty happy, after all.

Gabe had met his soulmate years ago. He’d had his time, he’d been in wildly, and madly in love. He’d loved a person in a fashion that he was almost certain most people never would. Now, he was married to someone else. There was nothing tragic or heartbreaking about it. That was just the way it had to be.

  
  
  
  



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